I promised myself that I would put pen to paper or finger to keyboard and talk to you. It hasn't been that long in the scheme of things, but the longer I spend away from writing the harder it is to ease back. Writing, in a journal, a diary or like I am doing now on my computer, was always a comfort for me. It was a space for me to tell my stories, regale my experiences, where I was the only reader. As I have gotten older and created a blog to share some select prose with whoever deems them interesting, I have found that choosing a topic of inspiration has grown increasingly more challenging. Could it be because I am not as inspired creatively? My days are much more routine and mundane, however that doesn't mean I am not happy. I am in love. I am living independently, in an incredible apartment and have wonderful friends. I think what I realized is that above all I am trying my best and that is all I can ever do. Writing is an innately vulnerable process and each day that I try is a win in my book.
It’s a strange feeling to walk around your neighborhood and not recognize a soul. Sure, my family still resides in the house of my childhood. The neighborhood itself still looks similar to when I was small, but it gets increasingly strange to come back to the place you called home for so long as a visitor. The times I come back are few and far between but when I do come back I am surprised by how similar and starkly different it has become. The houses are mostly the same, but the inhabitants have differed. My friends, like me, have grown and moved away. I don't recognize the neighbors that have moved in their place. Coming back to a place riddled with memories is like opening a time capsule. All of the ghosts of my childhood still linger but everyone else has moved on. I’m walking the streets that know me best. They have held me in my weakest moments, seen my triumphs and my failures. They have seen my friendships, my courage and my growth to become the person I am today. I become nostalgic and emotional walking these streets, realizing how quickly time really does fly. I will always consider this beautiful place my home and am so grateful that I had the opportunity to grow up here.
Another weird side bar that I feel the need to write. Over Thanksgiving break, my uncle and aunt came to stay with us. They brought with them a treasure trove of old video footage. The videos included myself and my cousins when we were small, which were cute and hilarious to watch. There were also a few clips of my parents when they were around my age. How odd to watch your parents on a screen and see how they looked, talked and acted before the thought of you ever existed? It almost feels like time traveling, to be able to see my parents so young, to see myself at an age I don't recall, to see my grandmother alive and healthy and happy. The videos brought a smile to everyone's face, while making us all nostalgic for an era that is basically a lifetime ago. My parents seemed so young and carefree then, full of wonder and a lust for life. It's almost like magic, to look at your TV and see into the past and hear your parents voices before you being born was even a thought. How crazy is that. I wonder if we would have been friends if we were apart of the same generation, I like to think that we would. I wonder if I look at clips of myself 25 years in the future I will think the same about myself.
My mom and I spent a lot of time looking at old photos, which I love to do. She received a huge bag from grandma recently, full to the brim of polaroids and old portraits of many generations past. Although I haven't met most of whom the pictures are of, my grandmother's and grandfathers parents alike, we reside together frozen in time in the darkness of this photo bag. Each picture has a story, a history that demands to be told or else it will sorely be forgotten. It is a privilege to be able to look back at photos of your ancestors, this I know, but one that I am incredibly grateful to be able to experience. What a joy it is to see my grandparents going to their prom, or my mother as a small child, getting to see these moments I otherwise would never have had the opportunity to know about.
I finally received Eli Rallo’s debut novel aptly titled, “I didn't know I needed this,” in the mail. I have been inspired by her work and am excited to begin reading her book. It is odd to have someone my own age be a published author, although I am immensely proud of her and know how hard she worked to achieve this feat, I can't help but wonder if I am capable of achieving something similar. It has always been a dream to be a writer. To have my words absorbed by many, to garner influence and respect for a craft that I love and respect. Who is to say that I won't be a bestseller, eventually… but for right now I am happy to read her work and use it as a source of inspiration. Love you Miss Eli!
We are nearing the end of the year and what a year it has been. 2023, a year of growth, love, progress and confidence. I have made new friends, explored the town that I have called home for over a year now (which is crazy), fallen in love with a boy, gotten a new job and worked on myself. I am proud of all of my accomplishments from this past year. Proud of my ability to care for others, to show kindness and compassion to myself, my strength and courage and my unwavering determination to succeed. 2024 will be here in a few short days, which doesn’t seem real. I’m excited to welcome this new year with open arms, I have a good feeling about what the year will bring to us all. If I can hope for anything in the next 365 days, I am manifesting happiness and good health for myself and those I love. I never really bought into the idea of needing to choose a specific resolution. Everyone ends up forgetting them or getting discouraged by the goals they set by mid March. It seems as though we set our sights too high with our resolutions, we convince ourselves that this will definitely be the year we read that book that's been collecting dust on our shelves or that this will be the year that we go to workout classes more frequently. Maybe, we all need to start a little smaller. Maybe all of our goals should be, to just be. To go through each day, living in the present moment, surrounded by people who love you deeply and doing what brings you true happiness. Don’t feel the need to change who you are just complete a resolution. Be kind to yourself, life is hard enough already.
Sending you all my love heading into the New Year. Here's to 2024!!
XOXO,
Shelby
P.S. See my 2024 mood board below :)
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